Shucks, folks, I’m speechless

What to say when you’re speechless about a recital (and not in a good way):

"Your performance was remarkable."
"Now THAT was a recital."
"Well, that was certainly more than we expected."
"Boy, you've done it again."
"I have no idea how you do it."
"It was the most incredible thing I've ever heard."
"I have never heard you do better."
"I wouldn't change a SINGLE thing."
"A lot of people seemed to like it."
"This performance was mind-boggling."
"I'm overwhelmed. I just don't know what to say."
"Boy, I'll bet you're glad it's over."
"Thank you for being with us." [My personal favorite]

What to say when you’re speechless about an organ (and not in a good way):

"This organ really makes a statement."
"It's quite a sound."
"It's certainly a good example."
"Too bad the room isn't better."
"Just think of all the hard work that went into that."
"And to think there was a time it didn't play at all."
“It’s quite a banjo.” [My personal favorite]
“You must be proud.”
“I hope you’re enjoying it.”

Finally, here are two hilarious, rather more direct comments I’ve heard people say:

“That was very biblical playing. The right hand never knew what the left was doing.”
“I liked that last piece. I don’t remember it having so many modern chords, though.” [Truly the best one ever.]


There might be a few of those that I would actually say. But when you hear playing you hate and yet you need to be friendly without feeling violated, what DO you say? It has backfired on me only once: Following a particularly atrocious pre-Evensong recital, I stood dutifully in the receiving line and said my usual line, “Thank you for being with us today,” to which this rather blustery organist said, “You didn’t like it?! You’re supposed to say you liked it!” And then he said to the next person, “Did YOU like it? Because apparently Joby didn’t.” Clearly there was an agenda headed straight for me, so I quickly got out of its way.

Anyway, have fun laughing at these and pondering what you might say next time. There is no substitute for diplomacy, but you have to be ready with it.