Screwtape lives on
Monday, June 20, 2011 at 9:46AM
Looks like I'm not finished with last week's post. A weekend in bed with a summer cold virus can make anyone crabby.
I am no C. S. Lewis. But the voice of his Screwtape character is perfect for some [past, not present] experiences I have had. If you find something here that sounds familiar, it’s because I don’t make any of this up; I only invent the delivery. Enjoy. (On second thought, don’t enjoy – much of this is too sad for words).
Screwtape says:
"Ah, yes, you wish to organize worship. Well, there are many, many things you must do to ensure the most man-centered experience possible. Make your liturgical decisions for convenience, not for liturgy. Then at least someone (you) will be pleased with the services.
"Here is a perfect way to get your organist to cultivate improvisational skills:
1. Allow only fifteen minutes between services.
2. Require three minutes before a given service time for announcements. For example, if a service is published for 9:30, begin making announcements at 9:27. The organ prelude must be concluded by 9:27.
3. Make the previous service run late.
4. Before long, your organist will finally be earning his keep with short, perfectly timed preludes. And when timing becomes less predictable, he will resort to improvising preludes that can be cut off at any time. In some cases, the postlude for the previous service can serve as the prelude for the next. And heaven forbid the organist should ever have time for the restroom.
"As for those announcements themselves, they should not be moved to a more informal moment in the service, such as following the Peace. No, it is much better to add as many speed bumps to the service as possible. And the nature of the announcements should resemble Show & Tell. Under no circumstances should you announce anything that is not already printed in the bulletin. People should never be trusted nor encouraged to read and digest for themselves on their own time.
"When the announcements are over, be sure to say something like, 'Well, it’s time for worship now; let the Holy Spirit prepare your heart as the Choir leads us.' It is vital that you say this, so that no one makes the mistaken assumption that the organ prelude before the announcements had anything to do with worship. And of course, say something about the choir leading. Heaven forbid they should just be allowed to lead. Liturgical flow must be interrupted with play-by-play editorializing.
"Now, for that choral introit. The choir is in the narthex, yes? So, have your media department stick mikes in the narthex to 'pick the choir up.' You and your congregation will be enthralled by the tinny, poorly balanced sound and the inexcusable amount of feedback, week after week. And let’s not forget that the narthex is already abuzz with conversation and mass confusion, all of which is audible from within the sanctuary. And during the processional hymn, make sure there are people elbowing their way through the choir to get to a seat and otherwise beat the choir down the aisle. Have other people lined up to exit up the center aisle while the choir is processing down it. Be sure that your ushers do absolutely nothing about any of that and that they even contribute to it when possible.
"After every hymn, be sure that someone is planted near a microphone to call out, 'Be seated.' Be absolutely certain that those two words are invariably called out while the last chord of the hymn is still ringing throughout the room. And add an awkward 'sit down' gesture, just for good measure. It is folly to think that people could ever get the hint to sit by just observing the clergy and choir being seated or by referring to the bulletin.
"These are just a few ideas to get you started. When in doubt, get in a hurry; proper liturgy has no business 'breathing.' Clumsy and over-planned should carry the day every time."