Big Deal

It is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you tonight Big Deal Of The Month. Mr. Month won first prize in the local-national-but-really-regional competition and is a senior at Hotshot Conservatory, where he sort of studies with Dr. Comen Studywithme, who is rarely around because he's always traveling to play recitals.
Would you please make welcome Big Deal Of The Month! [Applause.]
Wait a minute, the janitor is walking out on stage. What could be wrong? Microphone? Air conditioner? Organ not turned on? Oh, wait, actually it is the organist, excuse me, the performer, excuse me, the artist. Nice shirt; perhaps you might iron it next time. And tuck it in this time. And where is your coat? Stand up straight. Walk straight. Don’t fall into your bow. Feet together when bowing, you stork. And oh no, no, NOOOOOO, please do not speak before you play. Oh, dang it, you spoke before you played. And you’re still talking. And I’m still sitting here, having been promised a recital. Oh, great, now I’m hearing recited aloud the program notes I already have printed in my hands. And take your hands out of your pockets, for heaven’s sake.
Okay, we’re finally underway now. But your feet are hanging on the bench as if you were fishing off a pier. Don’t your feet have somewhere else to be -- some notes, perhaps? And lower your wrists. And sit up straight. And keep your elbows still. And slow down and hit the right notes. You're a senior, you know. Have you not learned this stuff by now?
Thank goodness this is only entertainment. If it were important, our future would be in trouble.
**********************
Oh, wait. It is important. Well, I’m doing the best I can in my little corner of the world. I’m doing everything I can to remind my students that playing well is only about 40% of the battle. Beyond that, the personality eventually becomes a deal breaker, and gracious hosts won’t put up forever with only 40%. Organ recitals are public events, and a knowledge of public behavior is still necessary for sustained success. When the day comes that I stop being a gentleman or lose command of spoken and written English or lose my interest in the audience's enjoyment or lose interest in thanking my gracious host or lose interest in looking and sounding good, then it will be time for retirement. Set your clocks, and hold me to it.